


(Tell Me How To) Say No To This

by BlackRoses (AceOnIce)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Bittersweet Ending, Cheating, Dark Jace, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Endgame Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Extremely Dubious Consent, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Infidelity, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Soft Magnus Bane, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Threats of Violence, alec is cheating on magnus but it's more complicated than that, between Jace and Alec, ooh that's my first time using that tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:14:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24432670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceOnIce/pseuds/BlackRoses
Summary: Alec wants to be with Magnus, but Jace isn't ready to let him go.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 26
Kudos: 134
Collections: DL;DR: Shadowhunters Fic





	(Tell Me How To) Say No To This

**Author's Note:**

> YALL. Consider this your warning please. Read the tags. This is a dark fic. It has a happy-ish ending for Malec, but everything up to that is dark. Jace is not nice in this.  
> Don't read if it's going to trigger you.  
> Don't like, don't read~

Alec is grateful for the empty training room, grateful for the lack of gawking shadowhunters to witness the rage on Jace’s face, the hurt on Alec’s. Only the painted angel on the stained glass window is privy to their conversation, to the way their hearts are breaking in unison. Parabatai share their souls, but their hearts are their own. And Alec's heart has only ever beat in time with Jace's. 

“You can’t- you can’t end this,” Jace spits, pacing the floor, blonde hair falling over his scrunched up face. His hands are balled into fists at his side. The light coming in through the colored glass throws rainbows over him, illuminates him as if Jace himself were an angel. 

Alec crosses his arms over his chest, a defensive move, protecting himself. He stays close to the far wall of the training room, his back pressed against it. “I want something real, something more than tumbles in the sheets under the cover of darkness.” 

“But I love you!” 

The words are sharp and they cut deep. Alec knows it's intentional, that Jace is doing whatever he can to keep Alec. He curls in on himself, looking at the scuffed floor instead of his parabatai. “I love you too, but I can’t keep doing this.” 

“Why now? What- what's changed?” 

“Magnus.” Alec's voice is soft as he thinks of golden cat eyes and shimmery makeup. He thinks of the warlock blatantly hitting on him in front of others, feeding him gentle lines about opening his heart. “Magnus wants something real, Jace. He’s offering me things you can’t give me. Things I could never give you.” 

Jace scoffs, anger and hurt are coursing through the bond, amplified by Alec’s own hurt feelings. It's the worst sort of feedback loop. “Are you serious?” 

“How long did you think this would last? Both of us deserve more, something real.” 

“And you think _Magnus Bane_ is the answer?” 

Alec digs his nails into the skin of his arm until he can feel the blood bubbling there. The physical pain is a welcome distraction from the emotional trauma of fighting with Jace. “He likes me.” 

“Oh Alec.” Jace’s voice shifts. The anger falls away, replaced with a pity that aches as it comes through their bond. “Magnus Bane doesn’t want _you._ He wants to fuck you. Not even that. Magnus wants to fuck a shadowhunter. He’s a player, Alec- a centuries old hedonist. You're just another notch on his belt.” 

“That’s not true,” Alec bites back. Even so, he can feel the uncertainty flood in, sitting heavy in his stomach. Magnus has made it obvious he wants Alec for his body, but he hadn’t mentioned anything deeper until that last talk. He’d seemed earnest, as though he was putting it all on the table, but now Alec wonders. Magnus has had centuries to learn to hide his emotions. How much did Magnus truly know about him? Was he enough to actually hold Magnus' interest?

Jace approaches him now, clearly sensing the doubt that's made itself at home within his skin. Jace lays his palms over Alec’s arms, a familiar warmth that always borders on too hot. His callused palms are rough where Alec has begun to imagine soft fingers decorated with cold rings. His nearness forces Alec to look into his mismatched eyes. They shine softly with worry. “Parabatai, I love you. I want to protect you from people like Magnus who just want to use you. I wouldn’t lie to you about this. You trust me right?” 

“Of course I trust you.” They’re _parabatai_. Jace holds a part of Alec’s soul in his body. Alec couldn’t not trust him. “But-” 

“Then believe me. Why would Magnus Bane want you when he can have anyone? You see the way everyone trips over themselves to get at him. He’s probably interested because you turned him down, you made it interesting. As soon as you stop being difficult, as soon as it's no longer a chase, he’ll lose interest.” 

Alec sucks in a breath, tries to push down the pain those words cause him. It makes sense though. No one has ever wanted Alec- not in the way Jace does. Why would that change now? Why would a bright, brilliant, colorful warlock want him? “I-” 

“Alec.” Jace's hands tighten around Alec's arms, his voice sharper, demanding attention. “If you want to go after him, fine, but he’s only going to hurt you. I love you. Let me love you.” 

Jace tugs him forward, pulling him down to press their lips into a scorching kiss. It’s all rough heat, teeth scraping Alec’s lips until they bleed, tongue forcing its way into Alec's mouth. Jace’s hands move to his hips pushing up his tank top to scratch his nails down Alec’s back. And it _hurts._ But he can feel Jace's desire through their bond, Jace’s length pressing against his thigh. 

So he does as he’s always done before. He surrenders, he pulls Jace in, welcomes the pain he brings. He gives himself entirely to Jace. After all, who else could ever want him this way? 

It turns out that Magnus does. 

Against all of his doubts and insecurities, Alec goes to get drinks with the warlock.

It’s soft and simple and perfect. Until it isn’t. Until _numbers_ come up and the easy, playful atmosphere dissipates, leaving them cold and uncomfortable.

Alec tells Magnus he’s only been with one person. He doesn’t say who, but he thinks Magnus knows. And then he realizes Magnus has been with 17,000 other people. And how can Alec compete with that? How could he possibly prove himself to be worthy of Magnus' attention when he has 17,000 exes to compare him to? All Alec has ever known is Jace.

The rest of their night is awkward and Alec almost leaves without addressing the issue again. He almost calls the whole thing off, prepared to never see Magnus again outside of Institute business. But, when he goes to leave, something compels him back. He knocks and Magnus answers and he tells Magnus the truth. He doesn’t care how many people Magnus has been with. 

Magnus responds by kissing him and it’s everything Alec’s never experienced before. It’s slow and sweet. Alec feels cared for, wanted, protected, rather than simply desired. It's the moment he realizes he could so easily fall in love with Magnus.

And then he gets back to his room at the Institute and finds Jace sitting on his bed, wearing only a pair of worn boxers and a frown. 

“Jace,” Alec greets him, his voice deeper than he means for it to be. He doesn’t _want_ to be interested. He tries to look away, but Jace has always been captivating in all his golden beauty. 

“How was your date?” The bitterness in his voice is a sharp contradiction to the way he eases one of his hands into his boxers, stroking himself. Alec can see him growing hard beneath the fabric. 

Alec swallows hard. He tries to think of Magnus, of his soft kisses and cool hands, of the potential future they could have. Still, he can’t turn away from what’s in front of him though he tries to make Jace understand. “It was good. He likes me.” 

“I’m so happy for you.” Sarcasm drips from Jace’s tongue like venom. “So why aren’t you with him now?” 

Alec grits his teeth, but pushes his hands into his pockets so he won’t reach for Jace, so he won’t touch himself. He doesn't want this- not really. He wants Magnus. He wants something real. “We’re not rushing into anything.” 

“That’s not like you.” 

Alec bites his lip. Jace is only partially right. Alec had never tried to take it slow with _him._ The first time Jace had expressed any interest, Alec had been all over him, desperate to be wanted. Jace doesn’t realize that this is different. That Alec is different now. 

“I could feel you, ya know?” Jace's voice is casual, as though he’s not clearly masturbating with only the cover of his boxers to hide him. Alec watches the muscles in his abs jump. “I could feel how excited you were, how turned on you were. I thought you might not come back tonight. But Magnus can’t satisfy you the way I can.” 

Alec shifts, tries to push down the desire, tries to think only of Magnus. He should leave. He stays rooted in place. 

“Or is it that _you_ can’t satisfy _him_?” Alec isn’t sure if it’s the bond or his expression that gives him away, but suddenly Jace is smirking and getting off the bed. It’s not a good sign, but Alec can’t do anything but stare. 

Then Jace is in front of him, curling his fingers into Alec’s hair, pulling until it hurts. “You’re probably right. I think your inexperience is cute, but most guys don’t like when their date chokes on their dick. And I bet Magnus is big. I bet you couldn’t take a fourth of him.” 

Shame and humiliation well in Alec’s gut, darkens his cheeks until they're pink. He tries to move away, but Jace’s hand holds tight to his hair. “Well? Prove me wrong- if you think you can.” 

There’s a hand on his shoulder, pushing him down. Alec’s knees buckle and he falls to Jace’s feet before he can decide he wants to be there. Then Jace is pulling his boxers down, pressing Alec's head forward. “Come on parabatai, show me you’ve gotten better, that you’re good enough for him.” 

The logical part of Alec knows this isn’t a good idea. He should get up, he should make Jace leave. But he’s never been very good at denying his parabatai and Jace’s dick is at his lips now. Alec opens his mouth. He tries to suppress his gag reflex, but he’s choking before Jace is even half in his mouth. He hears the younger boy laugh above him and feels the embarrassment curl painfully around his chest. “That’s what I thought. Only one way to get better, though. Suck me, Alec.” 

Alec has never hated the sound of his own name so much as he does right then. Even so, he lets Jace use him until he’s struggling to breathe, until tears are rolling down his red face and Jace is coming apart in moans above him. He swallows down Jace’s cum, stomach lurching at the bitter taste of him. Jace steps away, pulling up his boxers. 

Alec sits frozen on the floor. He’d lost any hint of arousal a while ago. He feels numb and disconnected as he watches Jace pull on the rest of his clothes. Before he leaves, Jace stops in front of him again, pushing his hair back from his face and pressing a soft kiss, more mocking than sincere, to his forehead. “I know you want him, but he’s not going to want you Alec. I’ll always be here though. I love you, parabatai.” 

Jace leaves Alec kneeling on the floor of his room, tears streaming down his face. Shame and self-hatred war in his chest, tearing him apart until it’s all too much and he runs to the bathroom to vomit. 

Magnus is gentle touches and warm smiles and light kisses. Jace is harsh hands and painful words and demanding lips.

When he’s with Magnus, Alec feels free in a way that's unprecedented for him. He’s able to forget everything else but him and Magnus. When he’s with Magnus, Alec never wants to return to the institute. He only wants to be with Magnus.

When he’s with Jace, it’s all pure desire and fast kisses. Jace breaks him down with his stinging words and attempts to glue him back together with promises of love. Alec tries to push him away, but Jace always wins him, always pulls him back in. Alec hates himself more every time Jace leaves him feeling used and abandoned and humiliated. 

He takes things slow with Magnus. He can’t promise him anything until he’s cut ties with Jace. He knows Magnus wants more, wants exclusivity, wants Alec in his bed. Alec wants it too, but he doesn't want to do it wrong. He doesn't want to break everything, though he's worried he already has.

It's after a long night of slow kisses and sips of wine on Magnus’ couch that Alec returns to the Institute with a plan. 

He follows the thrumming of the bond, coursing with Jace's frustration, to his own office. He pauses outside the door, gathering himself, building his restraint, closing off the bond as much as he’s able. He keeps the image of Magnus firmly in his mind as he opens the door. 

He doesn’t expect to find Jace sitting on his desk, staring down at a Seraph blade. 

“Jace?” 

He doesn’t look up. “I’m not an idiot Alec.” 

“What...” Alec shuts the door behind him, drawing a lock rune and soundless rune, lest any other shadowhunters get nosy. He knows this isn’t going to go well and he and Jace could still be punished, could still be de-runed, for what they've been doing. “What’s going on?” 

“You love him,” Jace spits the words. “You never feel that way about me anymore. When did it happen? When did I stop being enough for you?” 

Alec feels weak at the hurt in Jace’s voice. He holds tight to his dedication. “We never would have worked, Jace."

“I only ever wanted you!” Jace exclaims, standing, the Seraph blade flashing in his hand. Alec steps back without thinking and sees the rage and hurt cross Jace’s face. “Seriously? You think I would hurt you?” 

“Put down the blade.” 

“Why am I not enough?” Alec is horrified to see the tears in Jace’s mis-matched eyes. “Why couldn’t you just stay with me Alec?” 

Alec swallows hard. He closes his eyes for a brief moment to gather his thoughts. He never imagined it would go like this. He'd expected Jace to be angry, not broken. When he opens his eyes, he’s glad to see Jace has sheathed his blade. 

“You know it’s not like that. We had no future, you never wanted me the way I wanted you.” 

Jace pushes his hair away from his face. isn't letting the tears fall, but his voice cracks when he says, “but I love you.” 

“I know. I love you too, but not... not like that. Not anymore.” 

“Then just- stay with me. It’ll come back.” Jace crosses the room, curls his hands into Alec’s shirt, pressing him back against the wall. Alec lets himself be jerked around, but he doesn’t let the image of Magnus leave his mind. What little remains of his and Jace's sexual relationship ends tonight. 

“You know I can’t.” 

Jace kisses him. Alec sees it coming, but he doesn’t try to stop it. He holds himself still as Jace nips at his lip, not responding. He tastes salt and abruptly realizes the tears have finally started. Jace is crying. 

Before Alec can move, before he can try to help, Jace is tugging him again. He pushes Alec towards his desk, strong-arming him until he’s bent over it despite Alec's efforts to free himself. 

A sharp spike of panic goes through Alec when he tries to move, but finds Jace has immobilized his arm behind his back, holding the other above his head. Jace’s strength rune must be activated. Alec hadn’t thought to activate his, hadn’t imagined he’d ever need it. 

Suddenly he’s terrified. He struggles to get Jace off of him, his voice rough with fear, “Jace! Stop!” 

Jace bites at his ear, breathing rough into it, voice wet with tears, “I could make you love me. I could make you.” 

Alec feels Jace’s erection against his ass and for the first time he’s truly repulsed by Jace’s arousal. Repulsed and scared. He takes a breath, tries to stay calm enough to talk his way out of this. Brute force clearly isn't going to work. “Jace, stop it.” 

Jace lets go of the arm he’s holding above Alec’s head, but before Alec can make use of it, he feels a stele being against the back of his neck. He’s paralyzed by fear, waiting to see what rune Jace will draw there. “I could make you love me.” 

“It wouldn’t be real,” Alec gasps out. “You know that. This isn’t what you want Jace. This isn’t you.” 

“You don’t know who I am,” Jace growls. “You let me use you again and again. I wasn’t nice. I broke you. Why do you think I won’t do that now?” 

Alec closes his eyes, rests his face against his desk. He’s struggling to keep his breathing even, to keep the tears at bay. He has to fix this. “I believe in you. You don’t want to hurt me. I know you’re better than the man that raised you... You’re not _him_.” 

Jace goes still behind him and Alec seizes the advantage, pushing up and back, stepping hard onto Jace’s foot. He grabs the stele, throwing it across the room, before capturing Jace’s wrists behind his back. Jace has gone limp and Alec doesn’t know if he would have been able to do win if Jace had tried to fight him. Probably not. 

“Go to your room, Jace. You need sleep.” 

Jace jerks away from him, picking up the stele on his way to the door. He stops there, glances back at Alec with a blank expression though his face is shiny with tear tracks. “I hope you're happy with him.” 

Then Jace is gone and Alec is collapsing into the chair behind his desk. With shaky hands, he pulls out his phone and calls Magnus. 

By the time Magnus arrives, Alec has calmed enough to stop shaking. It’s not enough to fool Magnus, though, who rushes to kneels before him. Magnus presses his hands- cool skin, cooler rings, soft fingers- to Alec’s face. “What is it darling? Are you alright?” 

Alec pulls Magnus in, pushes his face into Magnus’ shoulder. Tears threatens to pour over as he takes in the familiar, calming scent of sandalwood. It smells like safety. Everything about Magnus is safety, home, comfort, freedom. 

And Alec is about to risk losing it all. 

But he can’t do this any longer. He can’t lie any more- even if by omission. Magnus deserves better. 

“I’m sorry,” he breathes. 

“What are you apologizing for? You’re scaring me.” Magnus hands have moved to Alec’s back, are clutching the fabric of his shirt. 

Alec takes in one more deep breath, pulling himself together enough to do this. Then he moves back, holding out a hand. Magnus takes it, so easily, so trusting- it makes Alec’s heart hurt. Alec leads him to the couch and sits beside him. 

“I’ve been sleeping with Jace.” 

He hears Magnus suck in a breath. Feels Magnus’ hand pulling away from his. He knew this was coming, but it still hurts. 

“How long?” 

Alec swallows, planting his face in his hands so he doesn’t have to see Magnus’ face. “Two years.” 

“Why... why did you agree to go out with me if you-” 

“It wasn’t like that,” Alec says quickly. “I was in love with him at first. I was for a long time. I don’t think he ever felt the same, but he wanted me and that- that was enough. For a long time.” 

He pauses to breathe and is grateful when Magnus doesn’t try to interject. He needs to get the words out before they bury themselves again. “And then I met you. And I wanted everything you represented; the freedom and the brightness and the openness. You know who you are and you don’t hide it. I wanted that... I wanted _you._ Being with Jace was... it was all about power. I was an easy way for him to feel powerful. That’s all it ever was to him, but I didn’t realize that for a long time. I only figured it out after I met you. I told him I wanted to end things, wanted to be with you, but... Jace is stubborn. We... I slept with him. Several times while we were dating. I hate myself for it- for doing that to you. Fuck, Magnus, I'm so sorry. ” 

“Then why?” Alec resents himself for the pain in Magnus’ voice. “Why keep doing it?” 

Alec pauses. It’s something he’s asked himself again and again. “Jace was familiar, he was everything I’d known... I stopped wanting him, but as long as he wanted me, I couldn’t- I couldn’t tell him no. Until today.” 

“You stopped wanting him? When?” 

“After our first date.” Alec’s stomach twists as he remembers the night that had followed that date. “Jace was in my room when I got back. It happened so fast, but he... I was nervous about- about not being enough for you and he knew that. I’m inexperienced and- and bad at sex.” 

“Inexperienced? You were sleeping with Jace for two years.” 

Alec shrugs. “It wasn’t like that. I mean, it was, but-” He sighs at his inability to express himself. He lifts his head from his hands, but doesn't look at Magnus. “He was always in charge. I just did what he wanted. That night, he reminded me that you know so much more than me. He told me to prove I was good enough for you. It was... the worst time. I should have told him no, and I know that, but... I didn’t. I’m so sorry Magnus.” 

He glances at Magnus and finds him staring at the other end of the office.

Magnus fiddles with his ear cuff. “You ended things with him tonight?” 

“Yeah. He... he didn’t take it so well.” Alec shudders at the memory, glares at the desk. “But I told him no.” 

“He listened?” Alec bites his lip. Magnus’ eyes dart to him, wide and worried. Despite everything Alec has told him, Magnus is still worried about him. “Alexander, did he...” 

Alec shakes his head. “He didn’t rape me. But, I think- he, he was going to. I never expected that from him. Things weren’t always good between us, but I was never scared of him before, not like that.” 

“What happened?” Magnus’ voice is gentle, a question, not a demand. Alec thinks Magnus has the right to demand whatever he wants right now. 

“I said something, got through to him, I guess. He snapped out of it and left.” 

Magnus nods, but he’s back to staring at the wall. “I’m glad you’re alright.” 

Alec wouldn’t use the word ‘alright’ to describe himself at the moment, but he knows it could be worse. He pushes down his thoughts. “I know you probably hate me and I said it before, but I’m sorry Magnus. I never meant to hurt you, I never meant for things to go that far.” 

“I think I-” 

Alec doesn’t hear the rest of what Magnus is saying because a sudden pain is ripping through him. He hears his own voice, loud and pained, screaming. He collapses into the couch, tears trailing his face as he presses his hands to the pain in his hip, trying to quell it. It just hurts more. Further up, it feels like his heart is being tugged apart, painfully shredding itself to pieces. 

Through the haze of pain he can hear Magnus’ panicked voice. He wants to reassure him, but when he opens his mouth, all that comes out is another blood-curling scream. 

Then, as quickly as it came, the pain is gone. 

Alec is breathing hard, his face wet with tears. He feels a sense of horror come over him as he tugs up the edge of his shirt to check his suspicions. His stomach flips when he sees the parabatai rune. It’s scarred over. 

“Alexander, what happened?” 

Alec feels on odd sense of numbness, of disconnect. “Jace severed our connection.” 

Alec wastes no time in calling a meeting to look for Jace. He’s no longer in the Institute so Alec sends out two teams to search for him, putting Isabelle in charge of one. She gives him a concerned look, pulling him to the side before she leaves.

“Why can’t you track him?” 

Alec’s face is stone. He presses a hand to the scarred rune. “He broke it Izzy.” 

“What?” She sounds horrified, heart-broken. Her face is drawn with concern. “What happened?” 

“Not now." He can’t go down that road again tonight. “I don’t think we’ll find him, but we have to look.” 

She nods, still tense with worry. “Okay. Yeah, we’ll do our best.” 

“I know you will.” He gives her a hug that somehow warms him a bit despite the immense cold that has settled in his bones. 

As she leaves, he returns to Magnus’ side, tugging the warlock back into his office. He shuts the door behind them and leans against it. “You’re still here.” 

“I wasn’t going to leave right now,” Magnus says, sitting on Alec’s couch and summoning a drink to his hand. “We have a lot to talk about, but I know this isn’t the best time.” 

Alec huffs a laugh, lacking any real amusement. He sinks onto the couch, deflated. “Yeah, it’s been a long day.” 

“Can I just ask... did Jace ever- did he ever make you do something you didn’t want to do?” 

Alec’s first instinct is to say no; he’d never out right refused Jace. Then he thinks back to asking Jace to leave, telling Jace he wanted to break up. He remembers Jace pressing him against the wall, pushing him to his knees. Fucking his mouth until he was soft and sobbing. 

He drops his head back against the cushions, closing his eyes. “I didn’t say no.” 

“We are definitely talking more about this later.” 

Alec rolls his head just enough to look at Magnus. “Why aren’t you just leaving me? I... I was horrible to you.” 

“I wish you had told me,” Magnus admits, his voice soft. “But we weren't exclusive and I think this is more complicated that it seems. And, despite everything, I still like you. I’m hurt, but I imagine you are too.” 

Alec nods as much as he can without lifting his head. 

Magnus finishes his drink, banishing the glass before suddenly standing and holding out a hand. “Come, you need rest.” 

Alec takes the offered hand, lets Magnus pull him through a portal to the loft that feels like home.

He hopes they still have a chance. He prays he can salvage this. 

Jace doesn’t come back. Alec doesn’t know how to feel about it, mostly he tries not to think about his ex-parabatai. 

He spends all of his free time at Magnus’ loft. They talk. A lot. Alec answers all of his questions and, in return, Magnus holds him close. Magnus tells him he thinks Jace took advantage of Alec and he eventually agrees. 

It takes time for Magnus to trust him again. It’s to be expected but the space between them hurts even as it gets better with every passing day. Alec does everything he can to be the perfect boyfriend. 

Eventually, he tells Izzy everything. She hugs him for a long time.

They don’t tell anyone else about the details. For all anyone knows, Jace simply got up and walked out one day, completely unprovoked. Alec hopes he’s okay, but he also dreads the idea of seeing him again. 

Every night Alec goes home to Magnus and curls in his bed. He feels safe. It’s something Jace could never give him- this quiet, soft sense of complete safety. Alec basks in it. 

They never go back to what they were, but Magnus eventually forgives him. They don’t have sex for a long time. Alec is scared and he thinks Magnus is too. When their first time does finally happen, it’s everything he never imagined it would be. It's everything he'd never known sex _could_ be. It's perfect.

Two and a half years after that disastrous night, Alec marries Magnus in front of all of his friends and family- with one noticeable absence. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't leave me mean comments, I'm small and sensitive.


End file.
